Mastermind's Farewell
by FluffyPizzaPie
Summary: Bayverse and Prime meet: Fixit-Style. [Sequel to both 'Fixit' and 'Guardian Devil']
1. The Set-Up

Disclaimer: I do not own anything but Fixit. Sadly.

Mastermind's Farewell- Part One

* * *

><p>For the purposes of this fic:<p>

**Solar Cycle (Cycle):** one day

**Stellar Cycle:** one year

* * *

><p>"No, you moronic Roombas! Don't do that, you'll blow everything up!"<p>

Knock Out shook his helm in fond amusement as the Eradicon went off on the building team. Fixit had agreed to help out Bulkhead and the other construction mechs for the time being, seeing as she had so much experience dealing with the 'idiotic slaggin' Roombas.' Bulkhead and the others were just thankful to have someone so organized and efficient on the team.

Even if that meant they had to suffer the occasional humiliating prank.

* * *

><p>Jazz laughed and laughed as Bluestreak, Moonracer, and Bumblebee all ambushed Fixit, chattering on and on and dragging her off with them before she realized what was going on.<p>

Prowl and Ultra Magnus weren't much better off than the saboteur- they'd never seen anyone blindside Fixit like that before!

* * *

><p>"Ryan, save me!"<p>

Optimus blinked as his spark-sibling dove behind him, using him as a living shield. And then he saw a pink Sunstreaker and a purple Sideswipe run past his office door.

Ah.

So that was why she was hiding…

* * *

><p>"But…why wouldn't that…" Fixit trailed off in confused frustration. All those years spent getting used to a different cybertronian anatomy meant finishing up her medical training back here was a lot harder than it was before.<p>

Ratchet vented irritably, rubbing his helm. "…alright, let's go over this again…"

* * *

><p>"…I wanna squish it."<p>

**"No, Fixit,"** Knock Out and Steve said in unison, rolling their optics.

* * *

><p>Lazerbeak and Fixit cackled happily as they sat on the floor of Soundwave's office, plotting world domination- I mean, pranks! Yeah, totally…<p>

The host mecha just shook his helm in fond amusement, brushing a servo over his Eradicon's helm. She grinned happily up at her sparkmate, nuzzling her faceplates into his servo softly before getting back to plotting.

Ravage just curled up on the opposite side of his host's desk, doing a very good job of pretending he didn't know them _at all._

* * *

><p>"…Fixit?"<p>

"Yeah, Ryan?"

He fidgeted slightly, visibly nervous for some reason. "…um, Elita and I have something we want to ask you…"

* * *

><p>The Eradicon squealed happily, glomping both Elita and Optimus at the same time. Somehow.<p>

"OhsweetPrimusI'msohappyforyouthisissototallyawesome!"

The two laughed.

"I'll take that as a yes, then?" Elita teased his ecstatic adopted sibling.

"OF COURSE! THIS IS SO AWESOME!"

* * *

><p>Jazz, Prowl, Ultra Magnus, Ironhide, and Chromia eyed the practically vibrating-with-glee Eradicon warily. Only Soundwave's arms around her waist kept her on his lap, and not dancing around the room in sheer joy.<p>

Ratchet was grinning in his seat as well, looking just as happy as Fixit. Naturally, this was scaring the frag out of everyone who didn't know what was going on.

"Sooo…wha's this abou', OP?" Jazz asked carefully, turning most of his attention to his Prime and Elita-1.

The two bondmates shared a quiet, happy look before they turned back to their closest friends. Well, the ones who could make it today, at least.

"I'm carrying," Elita announced, leaning back into his bonded's arms.

Silence.

And then Chromia, Ironhide, and Jazz all whooped in unison, leaping out of their seats to run over and congratulate the expecting couple. Prowl and Ultra Magnus followed, slower and supposedly more dignified, but just as happy as the others.

Soundwave- who had found out at the same time as Fixit- just released his Eradicon with a quiet chuckle so she could bound around the room in glee.

Everyone laughed when she and Jazz grabbed Elita-1 and Optimus, dancing them around the room joyfully and switching partners at random.

* * *

><p>Lazerbeak was cuddled up to the Eradicon as they began planning exactly how to best spoil their new nephew.<p>

"…you do remember he's not due for another two decaorns, right?" Soundwave asked in amusement, resting his chin on his Eradicon's shoulder as they sat together on their berth. Ravage had just given up on the two femmes calming down anytime soon, choosing instead to shut off his audios and recharge on the end of the berth.

"Yeah, we know. We're still gonna spoil him rotten. That's my job as his official Auntie!" Fixit beamed. Both Optimus and Elita had wanted her as one of their sparkling's official alternative guardians. Ironhide (and consequentially, Chromia) were the other guardians.

The host mecha just chuckled softly, tightening his arms around her slightly as he stroked her hip with his thumb.

**:This is going to be so cool!: **Lazerbeak trilled happily, causing his brother to grumble slightly in his recharge at the sheer happiness flooding their bond. **:I've never been an auntie before, this is going to rule!:**

"Oh, being an Auntie is one of the best things in the world. The only thing better is being a mom…" Fixit trailed off, wings drooping slightly as she got lost in her memories.

Soundwave vented softly, turning her sideways in his lap so she could bury her helm in his chest.

"…I miss them, Wave. I mean, I'm not going to leave. I'm needed here, and they'll be fine without me, but…"

"They're family, Fixit. You lived with them for nineteen years. Of course you're going to miss them," he said gently, stroking her back reassuringly. "It's alright."

She hummed quietly, curling into him further. She was glad to be home, but…she missed the rest of her family too.

* * *

><p>"<em>Hello, youngling-"<em>

"_Oh slag no! I'm not doing anything for you again!"_

"_Wha- youngling, just hear me out-"_

"_Nope! Lalalala, I'm not liiiiiiiistennnnnning…"_

"_Fixit-!"_

"_Lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala-"_

"…_well, I guess you're not interested in seeing your son again…"_

"_Lalalalalal- wait, what!? Get back here!"_

"_But you're so clearly not interested…"_

"_PRIMUS! GET BACK HERE NOW!"_

* * *

><p>"…and after the six weeks were up, Primus would bring me back. He said it would only be, like, the equivalent of two or three cycles here, which I don't understand. The conversion rate between the two universes makes no sense in that case…I mean, nineteen to three years, and then six weeks to three cycles? But, anyways, yeah."<p>

Soundwave frowned, obviously contemplating the information his Eradicon had just told him. She shifted anxiously against him, helm raising to catch a glimpse of his face.

"…and you want to go," he said slowly, looking at the wall but not really seeing it.

She fidgeted, causing him to tighten his grip on her. "Well…kind of, but…"

"…but?" he asked curiously, glancing down at her. He knew she missed the other half of her family, so why wouldn't she want to go?

"…but…I just got you back a stellar cycle ago, I don't want to be without you again so soon!" Fixit burrowed her helm into his shoulder in distress. He hummed softly, stroking her back reassuringly as Lazerbeak glomped the side of the Eradicon's helm and Ravage started purring gently on her lap. Slowly, they calmed her back down.

"…is it possible for us to come with you?" the host mecha asked carefully.

Fixit paused. "…I don't…actually know…right. I'll ask Primus tonight, then…"

**:Why not now?:** Lazerbeak asked curiously.

"'Cause he said he'd check in with me tonight. Also, you seriously think I can contact him at will? Sure, I've talked to him more than the average cybertronian, but I don't talk to him _that_ often. I've only talked to him just now; when he got me out of Bay-verse; once when Sammy and My-My were eight; and once when I died, although, admittedly, I spent a long time with him th-"

**:DIED!?:** Lazerbeak and Ravage cried in unison, helms snapping up to stare at the Eradicon.

"…oh. You never…told them?" Fixit said slowly, looking at her bondmate in confusion.

Soundwave winced internally as his symbionts' incredulous and vaguely accusing gazes swung to him, but nodded. "…it…wasn't exactly something you were comfortable with…back then, at least."

"Quite possibly one of the few good things to come from my trip. But, um, yeah, so…right, my death…" Fixit vented heavily, snuggling further into the host mecha as she reluctantly explained just how and why she had died to the gaping symbionts.

* * *

><p>"<em>So, youngling-"<em>

"_Primus, can I bring them with me?"_

"_Them-? Oh, your bonded and his symbionts?"_

"_Please? I want to see my son and the others again, I want to say goodbye properly, but I just got them back and I don't want to be alone again so soon-"_

"_Youngling! Calm down!"_

"…_please…"_

"…_Fixit, bringing others with you would be very dangerous-"_

"_Please, Primus!"_

"…"

"…"

"_I…suppose I do owe you…very well-"_

"_Thank you! Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou-"_

"_Ack! Youngling, get off!"_

"_Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou-"_

"…_yes, yes. You're welcome. Now can you get off, please?"_

"_Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou-"_

"…_I'll take that as a no, then…_

"_Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou-"_

"…_ah well. At least this'll be entertaining…"_

* * *

><p>"And so, after the use of emotional blackmail, Primus finally agreed that I can bring five others with me. You, Laze, and the toaster-"<p>

Fixit ignored Ravage's growl. Insulting/messing with each other was pretty much automatic for them by now. They didn't _always_ mean the nastiness, nowadays.

"-are obviously coming with me, which leaves us with two open spots. Which we can always leave open. That is an option."

Soundwave gave her a mildly amused look.

Fixit deflated, grumbling irritably. So much for not bringing anyone else along…

* * *

><p>Optimus just…stared.<p>

Fixit scowled, crossing her arms and sulking. She didn't see why Wave had insisted on her telling him. There was no way Ryan could go, Elita and the unborn newspark needed him. Oh, and the rest of Cybertron too, but she didn't really care about them.

The Prime rubbed his helm with his servo. "…so while your frame here was in stasis-lock for three stellar cycles, your spark was off in an alternate universe, unwillingly, for _nineteen stellar cycles._ After being _kidnapped _by the _Ancient Primes. _And then, after fraggin' _offlining_ in said alternate universe, Primus finally returned you to us…and now he's offering you a way back."

"…pretty much, yeah."

"…Fixit?"

"…yes?"

"WHY THE FRAG WOULD YOU GO BACK AFTER TRYING SO HARD TO ESCAPE THE SLAGGIN' PLACE!?"

The Eradicon yelped, taken aback by his sudden shouting. "What the frag, Ryan!? I just want to say goodbye! I'll be there for six weeks, but according to Primus, it'll only be the equivalent of three cycles here!"

Optimus paused, looming over the startled femme. "…you're…coming back?"

"…"

"…"

"…oh, Ryan," Fixit shook her helm in exasperation. "I just told you I fought for nineteen years in order to have a chance to come back home. If the visit Primus was offering was only a one-way trip, I wouldn't even have considered accepting it. Honestly, mech…"

He flushed in embarrassment. "Well, that's- it's just- shut up, Fixit."

"…"

"…"

"…okay, I'll go shout it from the rooftops!"

"Fixit!"

She cackled madly as the Prime chased her out of the office.

* * *

><p>"Ah'm goin'," Jazz stated, crossing his arms as he leaned back in his chair.<p>

"What!? No!" Fixit protested, wings flicking in agitation.

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

Knock Out, Prowl, and Steve traded long-suffering looks.

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Enough! Fixit, why are you against Jazz coming with you?" Optimus asked, frowning at his spark-sibling.

"'Cause Prowl can't come, he's needed here, and I'm not taking Jazz away from him!"

Everyone looked rather taken aback at how upset Fixit was, Prowl and Jazz especially so. Soundwave vented softly, reaching out to pull his Eradicon onto his lap. She curled back into him, grabbing his arms and wrapping them tighter around her as she scowled unhappily at the ground.

"Fixit…" Jazz started slowly, frowning at her.

"No," she muttered softly. "I refuse to separate you and Prowl."

"…it is alright, Fixit," Prowl vented gently. "It will only be three cycles for me, and a little over a month for Jazz. We've been apart for longer, it will not harm either of us-"

"I won't separate you!"

Soundwave forcibly turned her, pulling her helm to rest against his neck as he started humming quietly. Fixit whimpered softly, wings flat against her back as she curled tightly up against his chest.

**:Don't,:** Lazerbeak warned, glaring at the concerned bots who had stood up at the Eradicon's outburst. **:Stay back and let Boss calm her down.:**

"What's wrong with him!?" Knock Out asked worriedly, glancing anxiously at his Apprentice.

**:Fixit…didn't deal well with being trapped alone for so long in the other universe.:** Laze said reluctantly. **:And because it affected her so badly, she doesn't want to force that on anyone else.:**

This only served to worry the other five bots more.

"…righ', Ah'm definitely goin' now," Jazz declared.

Knock Out cursed his job. As one of the few qualified medics left on Cybertron- especially since he was pretty much the only one who had ever taught before- he couldn't afford to leave for three cycles. Two, he could probably do, but three?

"Steve-" the red doctor started.

"Yes, I'll tag along and keep an optic on Fixit for you," the modified Vehicon vented heavily. "Whoo. You do realize he's going to blackmail me mercilessly, right?"

"Even if he blackmails you into helping with whatever stupid scheme he comes up with next, at least _someone _with common sense will be right there with him, watching his back."

"Oi!" Jazz protested. "Wha' abou' me!?"

Steve, Knock Out, and Prowl stared at him wordlessly for a moment. Then the Praxian turned to the modified Vehicon.

"On second thought, keep an optic on both of them, will you?" Prowl requested.

"OI!"

* * *

><p>"So…we jus', wha', drop inta recharge an'…"<p>

"…wake up there. These frames will stay here, and we'll gain temporary ones, identical to these frames, to house our sparks in that universe," Fixit confirmed, swinging her pedes idly as she perched on the berth. At Knock Out's insistence, Soundwave, Lazerbeak, Ravage, Jazz, Steve, and hers frames were going to stay in this room for the three cycles they were off in the Bay-verse. KO (and Optimus and Ratchet and Prowl and…well, everyone) were being paranoid, according to the Eradicon, but everyone else was rather relieved to be monitored.

"I'm already regretting this," Steve deadpanned, looking at all the monitoring equipment Knock Out had set up.

"Suck it up, Jedi," the red doctor clapped the Vehicon on the shoulder.

Fixit burst out laughing at Steve's disgruntled scowl. Soundwave shook his helm slightly in amusement as his symbionts snickered.

"Never should've agreed to that stupid skit…" the mech muttered.

Jazz shared a look with Optimus and Prowl. "Ah get t' feelin' Ah'm missin' somethin'…"

Knock Out chuckled, gesturing to the still laughing Eradicon. "You want details, ask the Sith over there. She _is _the mastermind, after all."

Fixit promptly started rolling on the berth in hysterics.

"…and what evil mastermind isn't more-than-slightly deranged?" Steve asked wryly.

* * *

><p>Knock Out twitched as all their sparks went into stasis-lock simultaneously. It was…very hard not rushing in there to try and bring them back, but Fixit had warned him this would happen.<p>

"…and now, we wait," Optimus said solemnly, watching the motionless figures worriedly.

* * *

><p>"<em>Ready for this, youngling?"<em>

"_More than."_

"_Very well. Good lu-"_

"_Wait, why am I the only one here-!?"_

"_Because you are the only one I'm talking to? Your companions are fine, youngling, they are just currently in limbo."_

"_Oh. Okay."_

"…"

"…"

"…_may I proceed now?"_

"_But of course, my good sir."_

"_Why thank you, madam. Good luck, Fixit."_

"_Thanks, Primus. Final prank on the Bayverse, here I come!"_

* * *

><p>"Why is it snowing," Steve asked flatly, glaring up at the sky.<p>

Fixit just laughed happily, twirling gleefully amidst the falling flakes.

* * *

><p>"Three months after Chicago, huh? That means…"<p>

A massive evil grin spread over the Eradicon's face. Steve promptly hid behind Jazz.

"It's almost October!"

* * *

><p>Judy poked at her sandwich listlessly. Ever since Fixit had died, the Witwicky matriarch had done little but mope around the house.<p>

Even though the albino hadn't always been around that often, she still made the time to call every day. Judy just…hadn't realized how much joy and laughter her best friend had brought to her life till she was gone. Had brought to everyone's lives.

Most of the Autobots and NEST had been fond of the Eradicon- or at least the amusement they gained through her pranks- and distantly regretted her absence, but didn't know her well enough to really mourn her.

Ratchet and Ironhide regretted her passing, especially since she had helped them so much. Frag, she had saved Ironhide's life at the cost of her own! The black mech felt rather guilty about how suspicious he was of her beforehand, now…

Lennox and Epps, along with Sarah and Annabelle, were very sad at her passing. The albino had always been able to cheer everyone up just by existing. (She was also a brilliant and cheap babysitter for Belle.)

Prowl…regretted her death partially because he had genuinely liked her, and partially because of its impact on Jazz. Mostly, however, he was just relieved. It had never been clear to him if Fixit was an ally or an enemy of the Autobots.

Optimus clearly mourned her passing, especially since he had watched her die, but was not close enough to the albino to deeply mourn her.

Fixit's family were the ones most affected by her passing, though.

Ron was at a neighborhood watch meeting, otherwise he would be here moping with Judy.

She hadn't seen Sam since the news that Fixit was dead had come in. He had thrown himself into his work, helping sort out the aftermath of the Battle of Chicago. Frag, even Bumblebee and Mikaela rarely saw him, and they lived with the young man!

Miles had done the exact same thing as his godbrother, burying himself in his work. GreenTech was flourishing as a result. Fritz would either help him, or simply shut down, curling up in a little depressed ball in the corner of a random, out-of-the-way room. Barricade seemed to have become an actual robot, instead of a living being, and only replied when spoken to. All he appeared to care about at this point was his charge and partner's protection.

And Jazz…Jazz locked himself in his room for a week after Fixit's death. Just before Prowl and Ratchet were about to break down the door, the saboteur had opened it and greeted them faux cheerfully. He was so clearly grieving her loss, the fact that he wasn't able to protect his charge…the fact that she hadn't _let_ him protect her…but he just covered it up with his fake smiles, going around and pretending that he was fine. Everyone was worried about him, but considering he wouldn't let any of them in, there wasn't a whole lot they could do for him right now.

The sounds of a transformation drifted in from the yard outside, but the brunette ignored it in favor of continuing to brood, far too used to the Autobots (plus Cade and Fritz) coming and going as they pleased.

What she couldn't ignore was the familiar deep voice whispering at her.

"Hey, Judy! Get your mopey aft out here!"

Slowly, the woman looked up…and met the concerned scarlet optics peeking in through the kitchen window at her.

"…'sup?" Fixit offered her a weak grin.

Stare.

"…you're in shock, aren't you?"

Stare.

"…right then. Um…I came to say some proper goodbyes?"

Stare.

"…and this isn't a hallucination?"

"…w-wire incident," the brunette said shakily, slowly raising from her chair.

"Vulture's fault," Fixit said promptly.

Judy lunged through the window, glomping the Eradicon's face. Said Eradicon shifted so she was sitting down, bringing up her servos to gently cradle the human woman against her face.

"…y-you're r-r-really-y…?"

"…it's really me, Judy. Primus managed to save my spark just in time, and transported me back to my home universe. My babysitters and I are just here so I can say some proper farewells."

"…i-introd-duce m-me l-later-r…hug-g n-now…"

"…ma'am yes ma'am."

* * *

><p>"So you're the Jazz from Fixit's universe, huh?"<p>

"Yup. Nice t' meetcha, Mrs. Witwicky!" Jazz replied jovially, nodding to the woman perched on the Eradicon's shoulder. Once she had calmed down and released Fixit from her hug of doom, she had…well, gone for her baseball bat to punish the winged medic for scaring her. But once they had managed to get her to stop trying to hit the Eradicon, Judy had refused to leave her side.

(Ron had clung to her for as long as he was able to too, but eventually had to go back to work. Still, he was happy to see that Fixit was alive and well.)

"Nice to meet you too. And please, call me Judy."

"Sure thin'!"

"And you are…?"

"Yo. I'm Steve, Fixit's previous subordinate and Knock Out-appointed babysitter for these two." Steve offered the woman a casual two-fingered salute from where he was leaning against the wall.

"What do you mean, 'previous?'" Fixit asked. The two ignored her.

"Not the skinny faceless one or the shorties?"

The modified Vehicon snorted. "Soundwave doesn't need a babysitter. Nor do Ravage and Lazerbeak. Well, unless Lazerbeak gets sucked into plotting with Fixit again…"

"Oi!" Fixit protested, straightening from where she was slouched against the host mecha.

"…Soundwave, huh? So, Soundwave, care to tell me _exactly_ why your arm is around my best friend's waist? And why she's not protesting the close contact?" Judy eyeballed the dark, slender mech, scowling protectively.

Fixit flushed as she shuffled her pedes. "Um, we're…actuallykindofbonded?" the femme spat out quickly, fiddling with the fingers of the arm wrapped around her waist.

"...what."

The Eradicon offered her best friend a sheepish grin. "Surprise?"

* * *

><p>Judy hung back, giving Soundwave a meaningful look. Reluctantly, he stopped and let his Eradicon show his symbionts, Steve, and Jazz around the massive labyrinth of tunnels she had made into her home during the nineteen years she was trapped in this universe.<p>

Once their voices faded, he turned to face the glaring human female.

"Why did you bond to Fixit?" she asked in a vaguely accusatory tone.

He scowled behind his screen, but…this woman was the only reason his bonded hadn't gone insane and killed herself during her time trapped here. He owed her Fixit's life, and the Eradicon considered her family. For his bonded's sake, he would respect and try to get along with the human.

"…I bonded to Fixit because I love her, and I _refuse_ to lose her again," he said finally, glowering darkly at the woman.

Judy looked at him appraisingly. "…you don't like humans, do you?"

He shook his helm. Definitely not. Oh, there were a couple he could tolerate, but…he didn't even like most cybertronians. Why should he care about a different, inferior species?

"…then why are you bothering to answer my questions?"

"…because Fixit loves you. You are her family, and…I will try to learn to like you. For her sake."

She stared at him in surprise as he turned and stalked after his bondmate, ending the conversation.

Unwillingly, a small smile crept onto her face. "…guess I really can't argue about her choice of mate, can I? Slag. And here I was hoping I could get justification to prank her creeper mercilessly…"

* * *

><p>"What do you mean they haven't been home since I died!?"<p>

"…Fritz said that it was just too painful…too empty…too quiet."

"…why didn't they just put on the sound system-?"

"Fixit, it wasn't their home because you weren't here!"

"…what?"

"…you…none of us dealt well with your passing, Fixit. Especially since it's only been three months for us, rather than the year you've had."

"That time conversion still makes no sense…"

"Dammit, Fixit, listen! When you died, it was like all the light in our worlds disappeared!"

"…oh. Wait, no, don't cry-! Um….!"

"Y-you i-idiot-t! D-don't-t ev-ver d-do t-that-t ag-gain, y-you hear-r m-me!? E-ever!"

"…sorry…"

"…"

"…please stop crying?"

"I-idiot-t-t…"

* * *

><p>"Right, so, I'm gonna go get the Terrible Trio and let them and Sammy know I'm okay. Steve, Jazz, Laze, Toaster-"<p>

Ravage growled automatically.

"-can you get started on the tasks I gave you?"

"…sure thin', Fixit. Bu'…wha' exactly are yah gonna do wi' all this? Prank t' world o' somethin'?" Jazz asked quizzically.

"Exactly," the Eradicon proclaimed smugly. Then she went on, not giving the saboteur any time to reply. "Hey, Judy? Do you think it'd be okay if we didn't let the Autobots know I'm back? Just surprise them with my last prank?

"…most of them, yes. But you have to tell Jazz, at least, that you're back."

"Do I haaaave to? He'll just smother me-"

"…Prowl is worried that Jazz will try to offline himself."

Fixit froze, staring at the pained-looking human. "…what?"

Primeverse Jazz echoed her. "What?"

Judy sighed wearily. "Fixit, his guardian protocols latched onto you- you, who was obviously suicidal and wasting away even before you sacrificed yourself to save him and his comrades. He's your guardian, yet he's never been able to protect you, despite all of his best efforts. The rest of us at least had years to prepare ourselves for your death- we were the ones helping you deal with some of the deterioration. Jazz…didn't have that."

PV Jazz, Steve, and Lazerbeak all just gaped. Soundwave and Ravage were also taken aback, but hid it better. And Fixit…

…Fixit was just staring in horrified shock.

"You need to tell him you're okay, Fixit," Judy insisted.

"…right. Yeah. Okay, change of plans: Steve, you and Laze go inform the Terrible Trio and Sammy and bring them back here. Jazz, Toaster, you continue with the prank set-up. Soundwave-"

The host mecha gave her a Look.

"-apparently you're coming with me and Judy. BB, I'll need your help getting Jazz away from the other Autobots. I'm…fine with letting him know, now, but I still want to surprise the rest of the Bots."

"You got it, MM," Judy saluted her casually.

"Right then…off we go…"

* * *

><p>"Hey Jazz," Judy said as she walked over to the table the saboteur was sitting at. Skyfire and Prowl, who had been talking with the silver mech, looked down at her as well. "Prowl, Skyfire."<p>

Jazz offered her an obviously fake grin. "Hey Judy, wha's up?"

"I need your help with something. Only you. Now hurry up, time's a wastin'…"

"…um, why meh? Prowler'd probably be able t' help yah more tha' meh-"

"I don't care how bad you feel, you are coming with me right now mister!"

Jazz reset his visor, staring slightly warily down at the female. "…ooookay…"

Prowl moved to follow, but was quickly scolded by the Witwicky matriarch. Sharing a baffled glance with Skyfire, the tactician sank back onto his seat as the depressed (and confused) saboteur followed the human woman out of the rec. room.

* * *

><p>"Oh, Jazz?"<p>

"…yeah?"

"I don't actually need your help with something, but a friend of mine does. Feel free to punch her when you see her, 'kay?"

"…why would Ah be punchin'-"

"Because she's a stupid bitch who is far too good at giving people heart attacks. Trust me, once you see her again, you'll understand. Now hurry up and drive."

"Agai'-?"

"Jazz! Drive!"

"Alrigh', alrigh'…"

* * *

><p>Jazz froze at the entrance to Fixit's home, memories of the Eradicon triggered by the familiar sight. Judy paused just inside the door, turning to look back at the silver saboteur.<p>

"Jazz? What's wrong?" she asked worriedly.

He tried to smile, but it ended up as more of a grimace. "Ah…forgo' t' tell Prowler somethin' afore Ah lef'…Ah'll just comm 'im now, yeah? Yah go on ahead-"

"Ah look weird," a voice- _that sounded just like him?!- _said from inside. The silver mech found himself gaping as a black helm with a strangely familiar blue visor popped around the corner.

"Yes. Yes you do."

"Oi!"

Jazz, who had immediately shifted into a defensive stance when the weird bot that looked similar to him showed up, stiffened in shock. That was…it couldn't be…!

Fixit hesitantly stepped around the corner and his sulking look-alike, a sheepish grin tugging at the corners of her mouth. "…hi?"

Jazz gaped, staring at the Eradicon wordlessly. She fidgeted uncomfortably as the silence went on…

And on…

And on…

"…I can prove I'm not a hallucination?"

He continued to stare. Faintly, in the back of his mind, he noted he was starting to shake, but was too focused on the bot in front of him to really care.

"…um, we got overenergized together in celebration of Sammy finally getting assigned to work with the diplomats assigned to NEST- even if it was just as an intern- and then decided to share the joy in the form of pranks. And framed the Twins so we wouldn't get caught, obviously. We booby-trapped a bunch of Wheeljack's stuff with the crap-tastic nacho cheese, bubble-wrapped Ratchet's medbay and spray-painted it sparkly pink, and then got out the squirrels and proceeded to-"

Fixit yelped, cut-off mid-sentence by Jazz bodily tackling her in a hug, sending them both to the ground.

"Yer alive, yer okay, yer alive, yer okay-" he chanted shakily through his sobs, burying his helm into her shoulder and holding on tightly, like he was afraid she would disappear if he let go.

The Eradicon winced, biting her lip guiltily even as she returned his embrace. Judy had told her how badly her death affected him, but…she hadn't really believed it until now.

* * *

><p>"…yah weren' kiddin' when ya said mah counterpar' wasn' dealin' well," PV Jazz said slowly as he stared down at the shaking silver form clinging to the Eradicon.<p>

Judy grimaced. "…nor was I kidding when I said Prowl was worried he'd offline himself. That worry has been decreasing as time goes on, but it is still a legitimate concern."

Soundwave just glowered behind his screen, crossing his arms grumpily. He understood Bayverse Jazz's relief, and his need to reassure himself that Fixit was alright…but that didn't mean he was happy about seeing another mech manhandle _his_ Eradicon. Only the waves of love, reassurance, and worry flooding over the bond kept him from stalking forwards and ripping the other mech off _his _bonded_._

* * *

><p>"I surrender, don't kill me!"<p>

"Barricade, wait! Who are you, and what do you want?"

"My designation's Steve, and I work for Fixit."

"You work for-?"

"M-mean w-work-ked f-for, i-idiot-t."

"…um, no, I work for him. Albeit under protest, since he usually blackmails me into it, although not this time because Knock Out appointed me their unofficial babysitter-"

"…Mom's…alive?"

"…yes."

"Then why the frag didn't she contact us!?"

"Cade, stop! He can't answer if you offline him!"

"B-bast-tard d-deserves it-t-!"

**:We have proof she's alive. Now stop strangling Steve, Fixit would be upset if her lackey got offlined.:**

"…that would be *cough* the only reason you intervene…"

"W-who y-you!?"

**:I'm the Lazerbeak from Fixit's home universe. She ended up back there after offlining here. Then Primus gave her a chance to come back and properly say goodbye.:**

"…"

**"…"**

"…Mom's…she's really…"

"…yeah, youngling. He's alive. And happily blackmailing everyone…"

**:No, it's just you she blackmails.:**

"Shut up."

"…you said you had proof. So prove it."

**:Call her.:**

"T-that w-won't-t-"

_**:Call her.:**_

* * *

><p>"Indigo Montoya speaking, you killed my father, how may I kill you?"<p>

"…"

"…hellooooooo?"

"…"

"…is this the six-fingered man? Or is my caller id glitchin' out again?"

"…Mom?"

"…Miles," Fixit whispered in realization, stiffening on the couch where she was sandwiched between BV Jazz and Soundwave. BV Jazz hadn't let her go since tackling her, and her bonded was getting more than a little jealous.

"…is that…is that really…?"

"…yeah, My-My. It's really me."

"Prove it," a new voice snarled furiously over the line.

"CadeCade! Hey, how ya been-?"

"I don't care who you are, I will hunt you down and rip you apart, dunk your still-functioning innards in a vat of acid-"

"You think I'm an imposter. That's adorable."

The resulting litany of curses made both Jazzes let out an impressed whistle. Judy just shook her head in exasperated amusement.

"And that is why I chose you to be my son's guardian," Fixit announced proudly, beaming at the far wall as she interlaced her servo with her bonded's. "You're a ruthless bastard who won't hesitate to be a vicious beast and tear apart any who threaten your family."

Silence.

The Eradicon smirked. "Although admittedly, your bird-of-prey impression down under was anything but badaft…"

"F-FIXY! FIXY AL-LIVE!" Fritz cried ecstatically in the background.

"MOM!" Miles started sobbing in relief and joy.

"…s-shut up, Fixit," Barricade said shakily, sounding like he was trying very hard not to copy his charge.

"So, are you going to be good boys and come home? Cause I need your help with one last prank…"

* * *

><p>Barricade screeched into the room, transformed on the fly, and, with his charge and partner on his shoulders, tackled Fixit in a hug in an impressive flying leap. BV Jazz still refused to let go, which meant Fixit ended up sandwiched in the middle of the dog pile, even as the spazzes glomped her face.<p>

PV Jazz, Judy, and Ravage all laughed their afts off at the squished medic's predicament.

(After a minute or so of hugging, Soundwave finally snapped and ripped the two large mechs off his Eradicon. He let Fritz and Miles stay, though- he wasn't stupid enough to separate Fixit from younglings that needed her.)

* * *

><p>Steve walked in just as Fixit finally pried the spazzes off her face…<p>

…and then everyone was deafened by a blaring alarm.

It whooped at max volume for fifteen seconds before Barricade stomped over to the console and shut it off.

Silence rang throughout the room…

…and then Fixit burst out laughing.

**"What the frag, Fixit!?"** practically everyone yelled at the Eradicon rolling on the floor in hysterics.

"It…works!" she gasped out, vocalizer starting to seize up from laughing so hard.

"What works!?" Judy demanded irritably, voicing everyone's thoughts.

"The…Roomba alarm!"

Pause.

Ravage and Lazerbeak promptly keeled over from laughter as Soundwave snorted audibly, his shoulders beginning to shake.

Steve ever-so-calmly turned and began banging his helm against the wall.

"…I don't even want to know," Barricade groaned, covering his faceplates with his servo.

"**Agreed,"** all the Bayverse inhabitants concurred immediately. With Fixit, it was almost always better not to know. Plausible deniability, and all that.

(Plus, it was just better for your overall mental health.)

* * *

><p>"I'll get started on my part of the set-up, and I'll stop by Sammy's place to let him know you're okay," Judy told Fixit as the Eradicon shoved a datapad with PV Ratchet's report on her health in BV Jazz's faceplates.<p>

"Okay, see you later. Fraggit Jazz, I saw a medic, the Ratchet back home tended to me, I'm fine! See!? Drop it, already!"

* * *

><p>PV Jazz and BV Jazz stared at each other. The latter had finally been pried off of the Eradicon's arm, thanks to Judy and Fixit's combined efforts. And Soundwave's possessive looming.<p>

(Steve, Barricade, and PV Jazz were absolutely no help in prying the silver saboteur off. They just snickered the entire time. Fixit had plans for them…)

"So…yah're mah counterpar', huh?" BV Jazz said slowly.

"…yup."

Stare.

"…Fixit like t' mess wi' yah too?"

"Oh frag yah."

The Eradicon facepalmed in the corner as the Jazzes- Jazzi?- proceeded to bond over stories of her antics. Well, that was one way to break the ice…

* * *

><p>Barricade glanced over at Steve.<p>

"What?" the Vehicon asked.

"…she blackmails you too, huh?"

Fixit scowled as Barricade and Steve also proceeded to bond over shared stories of her. Hey now…she didn't like where this was going…

* * *

><p>Lazerbeak and Ravage watched the spazzes. Miles and Fritz watched them back.<p>

**:…Fixit adopted you, huh?:**

"…yep."

**:Guess that makes you our nephew…:**

"W-why m-make nep-phew?" Fritz asked curiously, tilting his helm to the side. Miles just leaned on his best friend, frowning as he listened via the modified Bluetooth in his ear.

**:Cause Fixit is bonded to Boss.:**

"…Mom bonded to that guy," Miles said flatly, pointing at the host mecha who was standing behind a scowling Fixit, arms possessively wrapped around her waist.

**:…yes.:** Laze's optics narrowed at the blond's tone.

Miles looked back at the pair. "…he the creeper Mom was always talking about?"

**:…probably.:**

"…okay then. I'm cool with it."

Fritz snickered at the other symbionts' taken-aback looks.

"What? Mom raised me, I know how much she loves him. So long as he treats her well, I'm fine with him. And really, she's much more stable now than she was before she…well, got sent back to you guys. Mom gave up so much for us…honestly, we just want her to be happy. And I can see from here that she's happy, so why would I object?"

They stared at the boy…and then Laze thumped his helm down onto the desk, growling grumpily as Ravage snickered. Fritz automatically stepped in front of Miles, even as he frowned at them quizzically.

**:Yes, fine, you were right that he would be okay with it. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised- he was raised by Fixit, after all.:**

Ravage just grinned smugly at his brother as the two spazzes rolled their eyes/optics. They might not have known what the two were talking about, but exasperation with Fixit was trans-universal.

**:Hey, Miles?:** Laze raised his helm to look at the blond.

"Yeah?"

**:How the frag did you turn out so sane?:**

He was confused. "I'm not-"

**:You were raised by Fixit. You're incredibly sane in comparison.:**

The spazzes snickered at that. Well, it was true…

**:She drives us mad with her antics, and we've only had her for six years. You lived with her for **_**nineteen.**_** Teach us your ways, oh wise and mighty master of sanity!:**

They laughed. "It wasn't that bad…"

**:Oh yeah? She turned the Nemesis into a disco back home. Things like that were a regular occurance. You trying to say she **_**behaved**_** over here?:**

"Well…" he thought back. "…okay, no."

**:That's what I thought.:**

"Although she never did anything disco-related that I can remember…"

**:Seriously? That was one of her favorite themes to use back home…:**

Fixit huffed, slouching moodily back against her creeper as even the slaggin' _shorties _started bonding over stories of her. What the frag!? She was glad they found common ground, but did it really have to be found in bemoaning her antics!?

Soundwave masterfully suppressed his snickers, but couldn't completely hide his mirth over the bond, making his Eradicon huff sulkily and half-turn to smack his chest.

* * *

><p>"If we are all done bonding over shared exasperation with me…" Fixit said loudly, pointedly eyeing the three groups. "…there's work to be done."<p>

* * *

><p><em>AN: The oneshot was getting too long, so I cut it in half in order to post _something.

_Next chapter, Mastermind's Final Prank!_

_(I've already written it, I just need to write the parts leading up to it. Grr…)_


	2. The Prank

_"If we are all done bonding over shared exasperation with me…there's work to be done."_

* * *

><p>"YOU'RE THE POLTERGEISTS!?" Miles screeched in disbelief, gaping at his guardians and mother.<p>

"Plus Judy and occasionally Sunstreaker, yes," Fixit replied easily, sneakily snapping photos of her son's face. He was too stunned to notice.

(Barricade and Fritz had a hard time hiding their laughter at that.)

"Now let's see…ooo! I know! How do you feel about "Falcon" as your Poltergeist codename? You could be Millennium 'Falcon' Callahan!"

"…"

"…"

"…Mom?"

"Yes, My-My?"

"You're a total nerd," he said dryly, shaking his head. He still looked more than a little stunned by the revelation that he and Sam's pranking idols were their _moms._

"And proud of it!" she replied happily, totally unashamed.

* * *

><p>"Codenames, codenames…"<p>

The Jazzes shared an amused glance as the Eradicon pondered, absentmindedly leaning against her creeper as he worked on a virus for the prank.

"Ah-ha! You-" she motioned to BV Jazz. "-will be known as Butter, and you-" she indicated PV Jazz. "-will be known as Peanut! When you're together, you shall be referred to as PBJ!"

They stared at her.

"Where t' frag did yah ge' 'Buttah' an' 'Peanu' from?" PV Jazz asked curiously.

Fixit stalled. "Uhhh…"

"…?"

"…private joke?" she offered weakly.

"…"

"…"

"…Ah dunno how yah mind works, an' Ah'm no' sure Ah wanna," BV Jazz stated, shaking his helm in exasperated amusement.

"Ah second tha'!"

Fixit stuck out her glossa at them.

* * *

><p>"Laze, you're Laze. Toaster, you're Toaster."<p>

Growl.

**:Inventive.:**

"Hey, why fuck with what works?"

* * *

><p>"Steve!"<p>

"What."

"Your codename's Lackey."

"Of course it is…"

* * *

><p>"Wha's his name?" BV Jazz asked curiously, nodding (with a slight glare) towards the host mecha wrapped around the Eradicon.<p>

"What? Oh, his codename's Creeper. Obviously."

"Ah kinda guessed tha'. Nah, Ah was askin' wha' his actual designation was."

"…ah."

"…"

"…Fixit?"

"…um…"

"…?"

"…this is my universe's Soundwave?"

"…!"

"…"

"WHAT!?"

"He's completely different from the bastard that was his counterpart here!"

"YOU'RE BONDED TO _SOUNDWAVE!?"_

"Oh for…"

"_SOUNDWAVE!?"_

"YES, I AM BONDED TO SOUNDWAVE AND I AM HAPPIER WITH HIM THAN I HAVE _EVER_ BEEN BEFORE, SO YOU CAN JUST FRAG OFF!"

"…bu'…"

"Jazz. He's completely different from your Soundwave, and I love him, and he loves me. We're happy together."

"…"

"…Jazz?"

"…mah helm hur's…" the silver saboteur admitted, shakily sinking down onto a chair as he tried desperately not to crash.

Fixit rubbed her helm sheepishly. "That's…understandable. Sorry."

He waved her off. "No' yah faul'…"

* * *

><p>"Hey Fixit…"<p>

"Judy? What's wrong?"

"Set-up's fine…but Sammy's in denial."

"…I'm gonna need to come down there, aren't I?"

"Probably."

"Okay, I'll be there in two days. Distract Bumblebee and Mikaela for me, please?"

"Got it. Oh, and sweetheart?"

"Yeah?"

"Prepare for much spazzing."

"…oh joy. Oh rapture. My spark is overflowing with ecstasy."

"Better you than me!"

"Oi!"

"What? You always were better at dealing with his spaz attacks…"

"…"

"…let me guess. You were the one inducing them most of the time, weren't you?"

"…maybe."

"Fixit…"

"Right, so, thanks for the heads-upI'llseeyoulater'kaybye!"

"Fixit!"

"…"

"…frag, she hung up already."

* * *

><p>"…tha's a lo' o' pumpkins…"<p>

"Nah kiddin'…"

Fixit snickered. "Well, they are one of our signature pranks…"

* * *

><p>"I hate snow," Steve muttered irritably to himself.<p>

"Yet another thing we have in common," Barricade retorted dryly, even as he kicked the last catapult into place.

* * *

><p>Ravage, Lazerbeak, Fritz, and Miles cackled quietly together as they snuck out of the last mall in North America. This was so much fun!<p>

* * *

><p>"Hey Prowler, whassup?" BV Jazz said over his comm cheerfully, ignoring the cussing and explosions in the background as Steve and Barricade- dubbed Team Smart-Aft by Fixit- went up against the quartet of shorties- dubbed Team Whiplash. (It was a long story. One none of them had any intention of reliving. Also, the shorties were now forbidden from going anywhere <em>near<em> sugar until after Hallowe'en had passed.)

"Jazz? What is your status? Why have you not been responding to comms?"

"…"

"Jazz?!"

"…oops?"

"…"

"…Prowler?"

"…what do you mean, 'oops?'"

Jazz cringed at the icily furious tone the SIC used. "Ah…migh' have gotten distracted an' forgotten t' check mah comms until jus' now?"

"…"

"…everythin's fine, bu' Ah'm no' done helpin' Judy's friend ye', so Ah'm callin' in fo' some leave Ah'll be back in Novembe' seeyahthen'kaythanksProwlerbye!"

"Jazz-!"

The fighters had stopped to stare at the cringing silver saboteur, whose counterpart was looking more and more amused.

"…you've been spending too much time with Mom," Miles said in amusement, adjusting his paintball grenade launcher.

"…maybeh," BV Jazz admitted sheepishly.

The Jazzes traded glances…and suddenly grinned in unison, whipping out their own customized paint weapons.

"Ge' 'em!" PV Jazz cried as PBJ unleashed multicolored sparkly hell upon the other two teams. Teams Smart-Aft and Whiplash yelped in surprise, diving for cover.

* * *

><p>In the other room, Fixit rolled her optics fondly as she listened to the chaos through the partially-open door, finishing up the last of the new Zombie Bunnies with her bonded's help at the same time. "Idiots."<p>

_Probably why you're so fond of them. Like calls to like, after all,_ Soundwave sent over their bond as he subspaced the last Z-Bunny.

"Oi!" she protested. "Then what does that make you?!"

_Starstruck._

"What…oh. That's a reference to the Disco Ball Incident, isn't it?" she accused, sliding off her stool to stand in front of him and poking him in the chest with her finger.

_You did irreparably damage the optics of half of the Nemesis' crew…Knock Out had to replace them entirely, remember?_ he replied, capturing her servo with his own.

"Well how was I supposed to know Creamer had ordered all those flare guns!? And what did he want them for, anyways?" She tried to reclaim her servo.

_Frag if I know. He was about to explain his 'masterful' plot to me when the Roombas blew the boxes up._ Soundwave skillfully thwarted her attempt by wrapping his other arm around her waist, tugging her between his legs as he remained on his high stool.

"…so the Roombas saved you from Creamer?" She huffed, squirming a bit longer before giving in and leaning against his torso.

_…only to succeed in crippling most of the Nemesis._ He rested his helm against hers smugly.

"…true. They really can't do anything right en-mass, can they?" She scowled at him, smacking his chestplates with her free servo.

_Bar blowing slag up? No. I still don't quite know how we managed before you took over Herding Duty. _He rumbled softly in amusement, nuzzling her helm gently.

"…and I have no idea how I managed Herding Duty without offlining." She shivered slightly as the vibrations transferred to her frame, face flushing slightly as he continued nuzzling her.

_42._ He released her captured servo in order to reach around and stroke her wing.

"What?" She twitched slightly, desperately trying to ignore his actions even as they made her shudder in pleasure.

_ Isn't that your answer for life, the universe, and everything?_ His tentacles came out, one wrapping around her waist and wings as the other reached up to remove his visor.

"No, it's the Hitchhiker's Guide-" She vented sharply as his other tentacle joined the first, once his screen had been set down on the table behind the host mecha.

_No, it's your answer._ He started nipping light kisses along the bottom of her helm.

Fixit stuck out her glossa at her bonded in lieu of a verbal response. That was a bad idea, as he promptly captured it with his lips.

She mumbled a weak protest into his insistent mouth- the others were in the next room! They could walk in at any time!

One of Soundwave's tentacles detached itself from her wings- earning him a soft, involuntary whine- and snaked over to fully close and lock the door, making the soundproofing kick in.

_Any more objections?_ he purred over the bond in the sudden silence.

_**…just shut up and kiss me, bastard, **_she pouted, sliding her arms around his frame as her cooling fans finally kicked in.

He all-too-happily complied.

* * *

><p>Soundwave growled as his bonded tried to untangle herself from him.<p>

"Wave, I need to go talk to Sammy," she explained tiredly, sluggishly closing her chestplates. "You know I'd stay if I could."

He rolled them, crushing her into the floor with his weight as he bit her neck.

"Soundwave!"

* * *

><p>Team Smart-Aft, who had successfully claimed the room as their own, glanced up as the door to the Z-Bunny room slid open. A scuffed and dazed Fixit staggered in, followed closely by Soundwave, who was all but radiating smugness.<p>

Barricade and Steve stared…

…and then groaned in unison, slamming their helms against the wall repeatedly. They did not need to see that! The trauma! Their poor, innocent, forever-scarred optics!

The Eradicon just rolled her optics. "Suck it up, wimps."

* * *

><p>Fixit roared through the air, spinning idly in loop-de-loops around Soundwave as the UAV ignored his bonded's antics, flying steadily onwards towards their destination.<p>

* * *

><p>Miles and Fritz cackled maniacally as they organized the paint weapons, choosing who would get what.<p>

(Ravage and Lazerbeak lavished worshiping attention on the massive custom-made paintball armory in the background. Extra-special attention was paid to the missile launchers.)

* * *

><p>Barricade and Steve shared identical anticipatory grins as they finished setting up the European fluff cannons. This was going to be <em>awesome.<em>

* * *

><p>The Jazzes had a hard time suppressing their laughter as they set up the last of the water main taps in South America. Fixit was a fraggin' genius.<p>

Now, on to the rest of the world!

* * *

><p>Judy whistled merrily as she tossed the last letter in the post box before heading back to Bumblebee and Mikaela to continue catching up.<p>

Honestly, how did Fixit keep coming up with such brilliant new ideas year after year?

* * *

><p>"Why the frag did Mom tell me to meet her way out here?" Sam grumbled as he leaned his bike against the fence of one of the more remote warehouses that belonged to…well, Miles now, since Fixit was gone.<p>

"Because you're being a stubborn, blind aft." Fixit stuck her helm out of the doors to stare at her frozen godson.

Sam fainted.

The Eradicon vented heavily, walking over to pick the man up as Soundwave poked his helm out of the warehouse behind her. "Great…it's gonna take forever to get him to stop spazzing, I just know it…"

* * *

><p>Judy waved to Mikaela and Bumblebee as they drove away from her hotel. The woman turned to go back to her room, planning to call Fixit and check if she'd made any progress with Sammy…and then a flash of gold in the corner of her eye caught her attention.<p>

Two Lamborghini Gallardos, one brilliant gold and the other bright cherry red, were calmly cruising down the road towards her.

Judy sucked in a sharp breath, a wild grin spreading across her face as she got an idea.

* * *

><p>Sunstreaker grumbled to himself as he and Sideswipe (newly repainted bright red, in memory of Fixit- the femme had constantly been repainting Sides red via pranks, for whatever reason) slowly made their ways back towards base. He hated going on patrol! There was dust everywhere, and the squishies always wanted to touch him and smear their nasty oils all over his gorgeous paint, and-<p>

"GG! Get over here!"

He jumped as Baseball Bat's voice came over the Poltergeists' special line.

"BB?" he asked in confusion, ignoring his brother's own bewilderment and curiosity. "Where are you?"

"The hotel on your right." He turned his attention to the indicated area, and sure enough, there was BB, waving her tiny arms at him. "Now get over here and help me with Fixit's final prank!"

* * *

><p>"You're dead you're dead you're dead you're dead oh sweet Primus you're a zombie the zombie apocalypse is starting what do I do I need to tell the Terrible trio we have to do something-!"<p>

"SAMUEL JAMES WITWICKY! SHUT UP AND STOP SPAZZING! _I AM NOT DEAD OR A ZOMBIE!_

"…meep."

"_Thank you._"

* * *

><p>Sunstreaker's hologram- a gorgeous thirty-something blond man wearing black jeans, a golden shirt, and a black-and-gold hoodie- stared hard at the grinning female human sitting in his real form's passenger seat.<p>

"…she's alive?"

"And happily planning havoc," Judy confirmed cheerfully.

"That's impossible! Her body was disintegrated!" Sideswipe protested over the comm.

"And I already told you, Primus saved her just in time. Now, do you wanna help her with her final goodbyes or not?"

A large slag-eating grin slowly spread across Sun's face. _"Frag yes."_

* * *

><p>Fixit vented heavily, dropping her helm back to stare at the sky.<p>

Sam just continued to cling to her neck, sobbing his heart out.

* * *

><p>Barricade glanced up from the glitter bomb he was working on as two Lamborghinis drove into the warehouse.<p>

"I have brought extra minions!" Judy proclaimed proudly as she stepped away from Sunstreaker so he could transform.

"…GG I can understand, but why'd you bring Sideswipe?" the police cruiser asked slowly.

"Hey! I wanna have fun, too!" Sides protested.

Sun scowled, crossing his arms over his gleaming chest. "I'm not doing anything without him. Besides, it's Mastermind's last prank on this world: she needs all the help she can get, considering how elaborate her plans probably are."

Cade considered this for a moment. "…true. Guess that means you need to meet the newcomers, then."

Sunstreaker arched his brow. "You mean the poor suckers from MM's universe?"

"Oi!" Steve called from the back as he walked in, carrying a precarious stack of large crates. "We resemble that remark!"

* * *

><p>Team Whiplash- in full-on ninja attire- snuck around the last Australian mall on their list, finishing up the traps. Africa and Europe had already been gotten, which meant there was just Asia left to do and then they were done! Booyah!<p>

* * *

><p>"So we'll finish up the fluff cannons and the Z-Bunnies…"<p>

"And Steve and I will plant all the glitter bombs," Barricade nodded affirmatively.

"Got it."

"This is going to be so much fun!" Sideswipe bounced on his pedes gleefully.

"Wait wait wait wait wait!" Judy threw her arms up, pausing the Twins and Team Smart-Aft in their tracks.

"What, BB?" Sun frowned.

"Before he can officially do anything…Sideswipe needs his Poltergeist codename."

* * *

><p>"Sides needs a codename, huh…?" Fixit drummed her fingers on her arms thoughtfully as she stared off into space. Soundwave was off being a sneaky creeper elsewhere, leaving the Eradicon and her godson alone. For now.<p>

"Please be something stupid, please be something stupid…"

"What's that supposed to mean!?"

"Ignore Steve, he's just being a whiny bastard…"

"You wanna go, _Mama Bear?!"_

"Bring it, _Lackey._"

Sam, who was perched on his guardian devil's shoulder, shook his head in amusement at the sounds of Sideswipe, Barricade, and someone codenamed Lackey bickering in the background of the call.

"Got it!" Fixit cried triumphantly, wings flicking up in victory. "Sideswipe is now the Crimson Terror!"

"…"

"…I like it!" Crimson Terror crowed in the background.

"Why the frag does he get a cool name and we're stuck with _Lackey_ and _Mama Bear!?_" Steve and Barricade wailed/snarled, respectively.

"Because teasing you is infinitely more fun. Hey, Judy?" she went on immediately, ignoring the creative cursing and death threats in the background.

"Yeah, MM?"

"What Team are you primarily going to work with?"

"…mmm…I wanna work with the Twins, but…I think I'll probably just get in their way. I'll go with Team Smart-Aft."

"Suits you."

"Yep. So, what were you gonna call us if I had joined the Twins?"

"Team Condiment."

"…condiment."

"Yep. CT's ketchup, GG's mustard, and you would've been honey."

_**"**_**Ketchup!?"** Sides yelped in outrage as Barricade, Steve, Judy, and Sam all burst out laughing.

_**"MUSTARD!?" **_Sunstreaker roared in outrage, nearly drowning out the hysterical laughter.

"But since you're not with them, I'm gonna call them Team Breakfast instead!"

**"What do you mean, 'Breakfast!?'"** the Twins yelled over the line.

"Well, you're Sunny, and Sides, and together you're SunnySidesUp! Like the eggs!"

Team Smart-Aft, plus Sam, were in very real danger of hurting themselves from laughing too hard. Fixit just hummed cheerfully to herself as she hung up to their laughter and the incandescently _furious_ raging of the Twins.

* * *

><p>BV Jazz- aka 'Butter'- grinned as he and his counterpart finished up the timed traps on the water mains.<p>

"So, have yah evah pranked an entire plane', before?" PV Jazz- or 'Peanut'- inquired as they hid their work before heading back to base.

"Nope. Bu' this is gonna be _awesome,_" he replied, happy to be heading back so he could check up on Fixit- sorry, _Mastermind._ MM had been very clear that only codenames were to be used when on or discussing official Poltergeist business.

"I's definitely gonna make a brillian' story. Ah'll neva have t' buy mah own drinks again!"

* * *

><p>"These things are so creepy," Golden Ghost muttered as he and his twin finished unloading the last of the Z-Bunnies and the fluff cannon ammo.<p>

"Creepy and cute at the same time," Crimson Terror replied, holding one up to his optic to inspect it. Suddenly, it opened its mouth wide and tried to take a bite out of his nasal ridge with its tiny sharp teeth, making him scream like a little girl. He flung it across the room as he jumped back to the sound of GG's mad laughter.

And then CT noticed the remote control in his golden twin's servo.

GG just laughed and laughed as his twin cussed him out viciously, somehow managing to dodge all the red mech's blows even as he nearly doubled over in hysterics.

* * *

><p>"…Lackey?"<p>

"Yeah, MB?"

"…do you know why MM's so obsessed with glitter and neon?"

"…"

"…"

"...no. And I don't want to know."

"…good enough for me. Let's finish setting these up and get out of here."

_"Please."_

* * *

><p>Team Whiplash, Team PBJ, and Soundwave all returned to home base within minutes of each other…and they all went straight for Fixit, each glomping her in turn.<p>

* * *

><p>"Right, let's go over everything! Fluff cannons?"<p>

"Check." Sideswipe gave her a thumbs-up from where he was sitting next to his twin.

"Mail poofs?"

"Check!" Judy replied cheerfully, munching on chips with the other two humans.

"Glitter bombs?"

"Check," Barricade muttered, looking utterly bored with his helm propped up on one servo.

"Pumpkins?"

"Check." Steve looked like he was one breem away from falling into recharge on Cade's shoulder.

"Water taps?"

**"Check!"** PBJ replied in unison, identical anticipatory grins on their faceplates.

"Mall slime?"

**"Check!"** Miles and Fritz cackled happily. Ravage and Laserbeak just snickered.

"Fireworks and Virus?"

_"Check,"_ Soundwave played back in Steve's voice.

"I've got my special bubblewrap and the rainbow silly string, which means I'm good to go…"

"Wha' are yah doin' wi' tha'?" PV Jazz asked curiously.

"Oh, you know…spacey things…"

Judy snickered. She appeared to be the only one who got what Fixit was implying.

"You'll find out. And finally…paint weapons?"

**"Check," **they all grinned in unison, hefting their individual weapons.

"Right then. Ladies and gentlemen…_let the games begin."_

* * *

><p>Hallowe'en dawned…and the entire world held its breath. Would the Poltergeists strike, even after the Battle of Chicago?<p>

Yes. Yes they would.

* * *

><p>In unison, Team PBJ, Lackey, Baseball Bat, Team Breakfast, and Laze hit their giant red buttons.<p>

* * *

><p>Paint-filled pumpkins rained down on every city the world over with a population of over 25,000.<p>

...plus McMurdo Base down in Antarctica.

* * *

><p>Mail workers everywhere started coughing and sneezing as the trapped letters self-destructed, letting loose the gold glitter, itching, and sneezing powder onto the rest of the mail.<p>

* * *

><p>Grape-flavored laxatives were dumped into the water mains, along with tiny, custom-made, edible silver glitter. Alas, many would not notice this prank until it was far too late.<p>

* * *

><p>Rainbow feathers, fuzzy cotton balls, origami cranes, and little fluffy stuffed pink glittery sheep were launched hundreds of meters into the air as they erupted either from underground or manholes, in large enough cities.<p>

(The Poltergeists had been working on getting this prank set up for almost five years, which meant they had at least one in _every_ town or city. Much to the world's dismay.)

* * *

><p>Malls across the world suddenly vomited colorfully-stained slime out of every vent and onto the passing shoppers. Massive amounts of merchandise were ruined.<p>

(Although pack mules- sorry, _significant others_- everywhere were happy to escape their partner's shopping spree.)

* * *

><p>Seemingly empty and abandoned cardboard boxes around the world fell over…and out marched the legions of Zombie Bunnies, each with a different color solar panel bowtie. They hopped around in squeaky glee, covering the streets in a sea of white, faux-bloody fuzzy forms.<p>

* * *

><p>Fixit grinned mentally as she charted the progress of their Z-Bunny minions from the upper atmosphere, even as she prepped her bubblewrap and modified silly string.<p>

_**:You have a go, Toaster. Repeat, Unleash the Virus is a go. Let's do this thing.:**_

And with that, she jetted off…in the direction of the defenseless International Space Station.

* * *

><p>Ravage snickered menacingly as he literally pounced on the three-meter wide blood red button, unleashing Soundwave's masterfully crafted virus.<p>

* * *

><p>Screens all over the world were hijacked as a rousing, overly-dramatic music video featuring Zombie Bunnies dancing under the flag of whatever country the screen was in began playing. Confetti rained down from the psychedelic sky as the Bunnies (each wearing a different pair of funky sunglasses) cavorted about gleefully, pulling off increasingly more elaborate dance moves to the remix of 'God Bless My Underwear.'<p>

Two minutes into the video, the Z-Bunnies in the real world suddenly lined up…and began doing the Can-Can to the beat. It contrasted oddly with the other Bunnies dancing in the video, but didn't actually look that bad.

(And whilst everyone was distracted by the dancing Bunnies, the rest of the Virus snuck in. Everything would now be displayed backwards, upside-down, and in shades of yellow and pink, with Z-Bunnies randomly popping up to dance and sing 'God Bless My Underwear' in the user's native language for a month. Also, all the computer's calculations would be made in Base Six for nearly six months, unless manually fixed.)

* * *

><p>Utilizing the temporary Groundbridge Soundwave and Fixit had made, the Poltergeists all moved through to the surface of the Moon. (Their human members were protected by Fixit-made spacesuits.) Sharing gleefully evil grins amongst themselves, they hefted their paint weapons and got to work. They only had so long before <em>someone<em> on Earth tore themselves away from the distractions to look up, after all.

* * *

><p>Fixit cackled evilly, fleeing from the bubblewrapped and silly stringed ISS before the astronauts could see her.<p>

And as she fled…having received her minions' message that they finished the moon mural and were back on Earth…she set off the fireworks.

Traditional Hallowe'en imagery danced across the skies below her, along with the occasional ghost avatar of two or more of the Poltergeists.

Setting off the fireworks was tradition…but its true purpose this year was to call attention to the moon.

It was a pity she, Steve, Jazz, Soundwave, Laze, and Ravage couldn't stick around longer to see the reactions. Still, at least they could see the immediate 6 hours after, before they left.

(Everyone had said their goodbyes already- no one wanted to taint the good hype of a successful prank with the pain of having to say farewell.)

* * *

><p>Skyfire cursed softly as he tripped over <em>yet another<em> unnaturally strong clingwrap stretched randomly across the hall. He winced, waiting…and then vented in relief. Thank Primus, it wasn't one of the ones that dumped paint and/or sparkles on its victim. Everyone on the NEST base had gotten hit at least once by now. Even Prowl!

But this prank…no one guessed that the Poltergeists would be willing to strike with their leader gone. However, Ratchet thought that maybe they were doing this as one last hurrah, to honor Fixit's memory.

(Everyone was kind of ignoring Prowl, though. The mech had clearly gone insane- he kept insisting that Fixit was alive, that this was her work and hers alone. Skyfire was…rather uncomfortable about disagreeing with the Praxian, though. Hence, why he was currently attempting to flee outside.)

The shuttle finally stumbled out of the base. He vented, long and slowly, before raising his helm to look up at the sky and the slowly fading fireworks-

Wait.

What was…?

Skyfire choked in horror as the cloud drifted out of the way, giving him a clear and unobstructed view of the mural on the moon.

* * *

><p>The moon shone colorfully down on the stupefied people of Earth, displaying the Poltergeists' masterpiece:<p>

Rainbow Zombie Bunnies, wearing absolutely horrid eye-sores of underwear, surrounded an outline of a golden trophy on a shiny pink pedestal, either kowtowing to it or dancing ritualistically around it. Fireworks, like the ones in Earth's skies, decorated the background. And at the very front, lounging in the ice blue throne of skulls in front of the pedestal, was Mastermind's white winged, blue-crowned avatar, grinning her trademark grin.

But what truly shocked the world- what would truly change it, for better or for worse- were the words inscribed on the trophy:

_Fifteen years without being caught. Fifteen years of pranks._

_But sadly, all good things must come to an end._

_And so, I leave this message to the pranksters of the world:_

_Keep our legacy alive. Prank the world._

_Become greater than us._

_Signing off for the last time,_

_Mastermind_

_Leader and Founder of the Poltergeists_

_GOD BLESS OUR UNDERWEAR_

_A/N: And it is done!_

_GLORY HALLELUJAH!_

_Done is done, which means I will not show the aftermath. You'll just have to imagine it._

_But still…IT IS DONE!_

_Update: I was recently rebitten by the plot Z-Bunny. (Ow.) It is forcing me at paintgun point to make _yet another_ Fixit story. Summary will be up on my profile._


End file.
